Get your asses back here!!!! We selling the house and I got the keys finally!

I'm laughing so hard right now!!! Those bitches (my uncles) gotta get out because the house is sold and they have no say now. I'll be warm and toasty in my new apartment while them bums be getting the fuck out of my grandmother's house. Bwhahahahahahah!

P.S. Signed the lease on the apartment. Uhal this week. I did it yall. I finally did it. 😭

Slowly digging myself out of a sh**ty depressing hole

Warning: Cursing galore kiddies. 

I was supposed to post this two weekends ago but forgot. I still don't have internet access besides my phone so I'm limited as what I can do for now. 

My life has been pretty fucked up since my grandmother passed away. I went from being in shock, to numb, to falling into a deep depression, to being angry as hell, then to just being hopeless wanting to die. I thank God my new medication for pmdd helped or I might have went through killing myself tbh. I also stuck around for my dad, my dog Roxie, and for sheer spite because I'm a petty asshole who wants to rub shit in my uncles (dad's side) and cousins' (not all) faces. Fuck em. My grandmother also told me that I must keep going if something happen to her so I gotta honor the lady. I also have short hair now all thanks to that stress or either covid. Lots of breakage which led to me having a sort of a bob. I was planning to dye my once natural long hair purple but I guess that'll have to wait. Everything really took a toll on me. I'm lucky because it could have been worse. 

Unfortunately, we gotten zero help since she passed. ZERO. I got to hang with a older cousin of mine a few times and that had helped me take my mind off of things. Then had another check on me but the rest have done NOTHING! No offers. Zilch. All I got was some flowers, "Sorry for your loss", and pretty much "good luck with that." They didn't even show up for the funeral!!! I could be homeless for all they care. My uncles are also still leeching off of us. They treat me like I'm a peice of furniture they say "hi" to when they have to. They don't ask about bills. As far as they concerned, it's my dad's job. Food? They don't care. I'm sure if we laid dead on the floor, they would check our pockets step over us. My dad asked them what if [my real name] end up in street. Said I could "he could end up there but she can't." And that he can't have his daughter in that situation. They just shrugged. Assholes.

RL update coming soon...

Yes, I'm still alive and well despite it all. Look for something this week or weekend. 

P.S. My blog theme needs an update. Ugh. Will fix that when I can. 

RIP Grandma. I miss her so much.

 I'm pretty heartbroken right now. My heart literally hurts. So much pain. I lost my mom at 9 but I was kid then and I could pretend she had just gone on one of her trips, but this time it's different. It's no pretending. Just pain. This one hurts the most. The absolutely most. I don't know why I'm even on here. It's too soon. I'm sobbing as I type this. I can't believe she's gone. She was like a mother to me. She said I was like her daughter. She was my best friend too. She use to watch me play video games like they were movies. She got invested as if she was playing them and cheered me on. Then she would play Mario Party with me and my dad. That was the last game we played. She was sick then but she had fun. She always played as Yoshi. She also was excited to see the end of the Great Ace Attorney. This is so hard. I'm crying. Ugh.

She was even familiar with Sims. When I competed in Sim competitions, she looked at my pictures and she even gave me her opinion on contestants' pictures when I hosted competitions. She was proud of my stupid little sim pictures. I can picture her now walking by this computer with her cigarette and stopping to ask me what I was doing. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I never want to forget it. Never.

Unfortunately, she had pneumonia and suffered a stroke. I believe she suffered a stroke earlier this year, but she didn't really show the typical signs we associate with strokes. She had trouble walking and swallowing food though. Her being her, she held off going to the doctor. Along with all that, she got Covid while in the hospital. We were unable to see her for weeks then. Then she was back and forth from rehab to the hospital. The last time I saw her on video chat at the rehab place, she didn't look good. It was like she didn't see me or know what was going on when she saw me on the phone. I cried all day that day. The next day, we got the call that they were doing CPR on her, and then we got the final call saying her heart stopped. That she was gone. I screamed. Cried and screamed. It was the worst night of my life. Before she got to that point, me and my dad did get a good moment with her on the phone. I blew her kisses and she blew them back at me via video chat. I don't know what happened after that, but I thought she had beat it all. She was one tough lady, so no one doubted her. It's a shame she couldn't make it this time. When she was in hospital years ago for her diabetes diagnosis, she jumped out the bed and made herself walk so she "could get the heck out of there." I kept expecting her to call up this time for us to pick her up while simultaneously complaining. She was a character and a total badass. Her sense of humor was also legendary. I would have given up anything for her to come back home better than ever. I would have given her my kidney. I would have given her my right arm. I would have done anything. I loved her so much. I can't put into words how much I love her and how much I miss her. It hurts. 

Right now I'm in the midst of the funeral arrangements. We're having a small thing and we might honor her again on her birthday. Her birthday is close to mine, so it's going to be tough.

Me and my dad are also planning to move. Part of me wants to keep the house, but it's expensive to keep it up on our income alone and it doesn't feel like home anymore with her gone. Just doesn't feel like I live here anymore. Like I'm just squatting or something. Every corner of the house also reminds me of her. Not a bad thing but it just makes me sad. Then the flood ruined the kitchen, so there's that. We also refuse to get stuck taking care of Mr. Flood/Uncle C and getting stuck paying all the bills while lazyass Uncle J (with a job) pays nothing. Dude won't even help plan the funeral. Keeps pushing it on me. Pisses me off.  Neither are worth shit tbh. We would like to sell the house, but they refuse to. They have been nothing but a pain during this whole process. I'm done with the drama. They going end up losing the house and we sure enough ani't going to be here to see it. So it's time for a new start. Me, my dad, and Roxie off to new horizons. I'm excited. We already picked out the place. lol We got to save up a little and we are out of here.

But once this is all over and I can type and play games without sobbing, I'll be back. If I'm wanted and if the community is not a ghost town anyway.

For now, I go back to grieving and crying over stupid stuff like her favorite spoon. :(

P.S. Speaking of her humor, do you know she has a pet rock? She told me I would inherit it. I'm taking it with me. Then when we needed money or we talked about my desperation for a job, she would say "well you could always go down on Baltimore street on the corner." Basically told me I could go and prostitute myself. She was kidding of course, but she was a wild one. One of a kind. God, I miss her.