I'm pretty heartbroken right now. My heart literally hurts. So much pain. I lost my mom at 9 but I was kid then and I could pretend she had just gone on one of her trips, but this time it's different. It's no pretending. Just pain. This one hurts the most. The absolutely most. I don't know why I'm even on here. It's too soon. I'm sobbing as I type this. I can't believe she's gone. She was like a mother to me. She said I was like her daughter. She was my best friend too. She use to watch me play video games like they were movies. She got invested as if she was playing them and cheered me on. Then she would play Mario Party with me and my dad. That was the last game we played. She was sick then but she had fun. She always played as Yoshi. She also was excited to see the end of the Great Ace Attorney. This is so hard. I'm crying. Ugh.
She was even familiar with Sims. When I competed in Sim competitions, she looked at my pictures and she even gave me her opinion on contestants' pictures when I hosted competitions. She was proud of my stupid little sim pictures. I can picture her now walking by this computer with her cigarette and stopping to ask me what I was doing. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I never want to forget it. Never.
Unfortunately, she had pneumonia and suffered a stroke. I believe she suffered a stroke earlier this year, but she didn't really show the typical signs we associate with strokes. She had trouble walking and swallowing food though. Her being her, she held off going to the doctor. Along with all that, she got Covid while in the hospital. We were unable to see her for weeks then. Then she was back and forth from rehab to the hospital. The last time I saw her on video chat at the rehab place, she didn't look good. It was like she didn't see me or know what was going on when she saw me on the phone. I cried all day that day. The next day, we got the call that they were doing CPR on her, and then we got the final call saying her heart stopped. That she was gone. I screamed. Cried and screamed. It was the worst night of my life. Before she got to that point, me and my dad did get a good moment with her on the phone. I blew her kisses and she blew them back at me via video chat. I don't know what happened after that, but I thought she had beat it all. She was one tough lady, so no one doubted her. It's a shame she couldn't make it this time. When she was in hospital years ago for her diabetes diagnosis, she jumped out the bed and made herself walk so she "could get the heck out of there." I kept expecting her to call up this time for us to pick her up while simultaneously complaining. She was a character and a total badass. Her sense of humor was also legendary. I would have given up anything for her to come back home better than ever. I would have given her my kidney. I would have given her my right arm. I would have done anything. I loved her so much. I can't put into words how much I love her and how much I miss her. It hurts.
Right now I'm in the midst of the funeral arrangements. We're having a small thing and we might honor her again on her birthday. Her birthday is close to mine, so it's going to be tough.
Me and my dad are also planning to move. Part of me wants to keep the house, but it's expensive to keep it up on our income alone and it doesn't feel like home anymore with her gone. Just doesn't feel like I live here anymore. Like I'm just squatting or something. Every corner of the house also reminds me of her. Not a bad thing but it just makes me sad. Then the flood ruined the kitchen, so there's that. We also refuse to get stuck taking care of Mr. Flood/Uncle C and getting stuck paying all the bills while lazyass Uncle J (with a job) pays nothing. Dude won't even help plan the funeral. Keeps pushing it on me. Pisses me off. Neither are worth shit tbh. We would like to sell the house, but they refuse to. They have been nothing but a pain during this whole process. I'm done with the drama. They going end up losing the house and we sure enough ani't going to be here to see it. So it's time for a new start. Me, my dad, and Roxie off to new horizons. I'm excited. We already picked out the place. lol We got to save up a little and we are out of here.
But once this is all over and I can type and play games without sobbing, I'll be back. If I'm wanted and if the community is not a ghost town anyway.
For now, I go back to grieving and crying over stupid stuff like her favorite spoon. :(
P.S. Speaking of her humor, do you know she has a pet rock? She told me I would inherit it. I'm taking it with me. Then when we needed money or we talked about my desperation for a job, she would say "well you could always go down on Baltimore street on the corner." Basically told me I could go and prostitute myself. She was kidding of course, but she was a wild one. One of a kind. God, I miss her.
