Slowly digging myself out of a sh**ty depressing hole

Warning: Cursing galore kiddies. 

I was supposed to post this two weekends ago but forgot. I still don't have internet access besides my phone so I'm limited as what I can do for now. 

My life has been pretty fucked up since my grandmother passed away. I went from being in shock, to numb, to falling into a deep depression, to being angry as hell, then to just being hopeless wanting to die. I thank God my new medication for pmdd helped or I might have went through killing myself tbh. I also stuck around for my dad, my dog Roxie, and for sheer spite because I'm a petty asshole who wants to rub shit in my uncles (dad's side) and cousins' (not all) faces. Fuck em. My grandmother also told me that I must keep going if something happen to her so I gotta honor the lady. I also have short hair now all thanks to that stress or either covid. Lots of breakage which led to me having a sort of a bob. I was planning to dye my once natural long hair purple but I guess that'll have to wait. Everything really took a toll on me. I'm lucky because it could have been worse. 

Unfortunately, we gotten zero help since she passed. ZERO. I got to hang with a older cousin of mine a few times and that had helped me take my mind off of things. Then had another check on me but the rest have done NOTHING! No offers. Zilch. All I got was some flowers, "Sorry for your loss", and pretty much "good luck with that." They didn't even show up for the funeral!!! I could be homeless for all they care. My uncles are also still leeching off of us. They treat me like I'm a peice of furniture they say "hi" to when they have to. They don't ask about bills. As far as they concerned, it's my dad's job. Food? They don't care. I'm sure if we laid dead on the floor, they would check our pockets step over us. My dad asked them what if [my real name] end up in street. Said I could "he could end up there but she can't." And that he can't have his daughter in that situation. They just shrugged. Assholes.

RL update coming soon...

Yes, I'm still alive and well despite it all. Look for something this week or weekend. 

P.S. My blog theme needs an update. Ugh. Will fix that when I can. 

RIP Grandma. I miss her so much.

 I'm pretty heartbroken right now. My heart literally hurts. So much pain. I lost my mom at 9 but I was kid then and I could pretend she had just gone on one of her trips, but this time it's different. It's no pretending. Just pain. This one hurts the most. The absolutely most. I don't know why I'm even on here. It's too soon. I'm sobbing as I type this. I can't believe she's gone. She was like a mother to me. She said I was like her daughter. She was my best friend too. She use to watch me play video games like they were movies. She got invested as if she was playing them and cheered me on. Then she would play Mario Party with me and my dad. That was the last game we played. She was sick then but she had fun. She always played as Yoshi. She also was excited to see the end of the Great Ace Attorney. This is so hard. I'm crying. Ugh.

She was even familiar with Sims. When I competed in Sim competitions, she looked at my pictures and she even gave me her opinion on contestants' pictures when I hosted competitions. She was proud of my stupid little sim pictures. I can picture her now walking by this computer with her cigarette and stopping to ask me what I was doing. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I never want to forget it. Never.

Unfortunately, she had pneumonia and suffered a stroke. I believe she suffered a stroke earlier this year, but she didn't really show the typical signs we associate with strokes. She had trouble walking and swallowing food though. Her being her, she held off going to the doctor. Along with all that, she got Covid while in the hospital. We were unable to see her for weeks then. Then she was back and forth from rehab to the hospital. The last time I saw her on video chat at the rehab place, she didn't look good. It was like she didn't see me or know what was going on when she saw me on the phone. I cried all day that day. The next day, we got the call that they were doing CPR on her, and then we got the final call saying her heart stopped. That she was gone. I screamed. Cried and screamed. It was the worst night of my life. Before she got to that point, me and my dad did get a good moment with her on the phone. I blew her kisses and she blew them back at me via video chat. I don't know what happened after that, but I thought she had beat it all. She was one tough lady, so no one doubted her. It's a shame she couldn't make it this time. When she was in hospital years ago for her diabetes diagnosis, she jumped out the bed and made herself walk so she "could get the heck out of there." I kept expecting her to call up this time for us to pick her up while simultaneously complaining. She was a character and a total badass. Her sense of humor was also legendary. I would have given up anything for her to come back home better than ever. I would have given her my kidney. I would have given her my right arm. I would have done anything. I loved her so much. I can't put into words how much I love her and how much I miss her. It hurts. 

Right now I'm in the midst of the funeral arrangements. We're having a small thing and we might honor her again on her birthday. Her birthday is close to mine, so it's going to be tough.

Me and my dad are also planning to move. Part of me wants to keep the house, but it's expensive to keep it up on our income alone and it doesn't feel like home anymore with her gone. Just doesn't feel like I live here anymore. Like I'm just squatting or something. Every corner of the house also reminds me of her. Not a bad thing but it just makes me sad. Then the flood ruined the kitchen, so there's that. We also refuse to get stuck taking care of Mr. Flood/Uncle C and getting stuck paying all the bills while lazyass Uncle J (with a job) pays nothing. Dude won't even help plan the funeral. Keeps pushing it on me. Pisses me off.  Neither are worth shit tbh. We would like to sell the house, but they refuse to. They have been nothing but a pain during this whole process. I'm done with the drama. They going end up losing the house and we sure enough ani't going to be here to see it. So it's time for a new start. Me, my dad, and Roxie off to new horizons. I'm excited. We already picked out the place. lol We got to save up a little and we are out of here.

But once this is all over and I can type and play games without sobbing, I'll be back. If I'm wanted and if the community is not a ghost town anyway.

For now, I go back to grieving and crying over stupid stuff like her favorite spoon. :(

P.S. Speaking of her humor, do you know she has a pet rock? She told me I would inherit it. I'm taking it with me. Then when we needed money or we talked about my desperation for a job, she would say "well you could always go down on Baltimore street on the corner." Basically told me I could go and prostitute myself. She was kidding of course, but she was a wild one. One of a kind. God, I miss her. 

Got some good luck. My Switch remotes and free stuff!

I drowned my dead Switch remotes in rubbing alcohol and one lit up. Then I charged the other one and boom they're back. Only got one remote/joycon that has issues. Still, I saved myself 80 bucks. I might still buy a backup pair but maybe after X-mas. I almost threw them away tho. OMG!

Then my dad found a package on our porch. Was for the wrong address. He left it there for hours at first. Then he went back out for it and ask me what he should do. He was thinking about throwing it out, but I told him to bring it in. Now I googled if you can keep a package or delivery if mistakenly delivered to your address and basically yep you can. Like Doordash mistakenly delivered food here once recently. Me and grandmother ate it. It was cold, but it was free.😁 So he leaves out and I open it up. I'm expecting something I can't use like diapers or something weird. I look and it's a Nike box. Then I open it up and it's men's sneakers. So I hid them and waited for my dad to come back. Then I showed him and he was so happy! He put them on and they fit perfectly. The crazy thing is, he needed shoes. His old favorite tennis were soaked from the flood and looked worse for wear after he washed them. So it's like some sort of divine intervention. Those shoes usually go about 200 bucks too and he got them for free!!! He's been so happy wearing them. I sort of feel bad for whoever ordered them but hopefully, they can get a replacement pair or their money back. Still pretty awesome! Now if only the delivery people would mess up and leave a PS5 on the porch. 😂😏

Also, my grandmother is doing better. They talking about her doing rehabilitation for walking and getting her strength back. Got the call a few hours ago about it. She's doing a lot better considering it's been only a week (feels like it's been months). She's come a long way. I'm going to hold it down till she comes home. She's a strong woman. I'm always telling her she's a gangsta. She really is badass! 😀 

Now I'll admit I was furious before typing this post because my Uncle C truly pissed me off and I got into a huge argument with him but now I'm good. My dad got my grandmother to say hi to me on the phone and she said "My [insert real name]." So yeah I'm going to melt into a puddle of tears now. I needed to hear that. Couldn't visit today but I, sure enough, going to visit tomorrow if I can.

My grandmother is in the hospital now. Things have been awful.

I feel like I've ran out of tears. I don't even feel like writing this. I don't know if I'll write everything but it's a lot. These past two days have been horrendous.

Dead On Arrival: Episode 33: Dead Man Walking

Episode 33: Dead Man Walking

The walk to the junkyard was a torturous one. Night had fallen and the rain didn't let up. It was hard to see our footing and our feet felt heavy with the dirt under them turning into thick mud. Our clothes also felt like weights as we were soaked to the bone. There were no breaks on this trip either. We only stopped briefly as Billy fell to his knees at one point

His beaten body succumbing to the pain. He looked as if he would faint. While I was initially suspicious of him, I was sure he was just as much as a captive as me. Maybe worse. They kicked mud in his face as he kneeled over on the ground and they screamed at him. I started to help but they swatted me away. He finally got up and they pushed him nearly knocking him over again.

Has it really been that long?

Been 2 months? Oops. 😓

Well hello, simmers. Miss me? Probably not. I would say I took a break or vacay from it all, but I just felt like not simming or sitting in front of a pc. I've gone through enough this year and I just wanted to do whatever the bloop I wanted. Still going through shit tbh.

First off, my health was something I had to focus on yet again. I was extremely anemic zapping my energy completely. Then I had to go on a stronger anti-depressant for my PMDD. I've been taking the new dosage of my meds and irons pills for almost a month now. I feel a lot better mentally and physically. The iron pills are just a pain because I have to wait a hour before I eat when I take them. Waiting right now actually. I'm hungry. 😭 So far I'm not bitchy or crying or sleepy, so everything is working. I also lost some weight and working on losing more. I gained some pandemic pounds along with just failing to pay attention to my expanding waistband before the pandemic. I'm getting around better since losing some pounds and it helps with energy. 

Secondly, my Uncle C is not helping my stress lately. I believe he has dementia now. I can't be sure and he won't go to a doctor, so I'm just going to go with that. Experiencing a lot of the symptoms now including hallucinations and extreme irritability. I can't blame him getting high off his addiction either because it's almost like he forgot he has those issues, so yeah he's sober for now. He's just a sober asshole though. A giant asshole. He also appears to replace his addiction with sort of another. He's obsessed with food. All we hear all day is "I'm hungry." Good god, it's annoying! He eats everything in sight too. Everything! Then if you tell him to calm down and wait for dinner or something, he throws a tantrum. Stomping around and slamming stuff. I'm pretty sure he's eating his 4th or 5th big meal as we speak. I'm sick of it! If it was up to us, he would be in a nursing home. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. I'm also pretty sure he would become completely sane if we called anybody on him. Saw him do it once when we called an ambulance recently. He was hallucinating and unable to walk, but suddenly he was up and around acting like a normal human being when they came. We don't know what to make of it. No withdrawals. No getting sick. Just a rambling bottomless pit that picks fights and bitches about everything. Pray for us. Pray for me, because I've been wanting to strangle him.  

And thirdly, the other side of the family is still around. I don't mind, but covid is still a thing and I'm trying to remain cautious. Also trying not to stress my dad or my grandmother out. Not going say anymore in regards to them.

So yeah, that's it. Roxie is fine. :) My dad and grandmother are doing ok. I just need a job and some glasses. The pandemic still got stuff all weird, so I'm working on that. Ugh. 

As for simming, I miss my story and the game itself. Will be updating this week hopefully. 

Forgot to post about my birthday. So I've been 32 for a week now.

 It's been in the 90s here in terms of weather, so the thought of being on the heat radiating PC hasn't been all that delightful. Also been dealing with the awkward family stuff, which is starting to smooth out. I had started seeing a counselor, but she hasn't been very helpful. I think adjusting my sleeping habits recently has been more helpful than anything. I'm a lot more clear-headed and anxiety-free at the moment. Also went on several interviews that resulted in rejection letter after rejection letter. That has taken a huge blow to my mental health and ego, but I've decided to focus on other things. Just hope the pandemic allows me to focus on those things as Covid is ramping up again. *sigh* 

As for my birthday, it went well. I ended up going shopping and getting ice cream. I got the most delicious sundae from Cold Stone Creamery. My mouth is watering thinking about it. Was called strawberry blonde with strawberries, whip cream, caramel, and pie crust. I'm going to need another soon. As for presents, I got Pikmin 3 Deluxe and Pokemon Snap for my birthday. They both give me so much nostalgia for my childhood. Both are really fun. Pokemon Snap does give me motion sickness though, so I can't play that too long. Been mostly playing Pikmin. My Pikmin like to commit suicide a lot though by jumping in water, so I scream at my TV a lot. A bunch of little idiots.

B/w I also purchased Ace Attorney Trilogy on Switch and replayed those games. My grandmother is a big fan now since she can watch now. Loves Edgeworth. It's petty funny. Going to get The Great Ace Attorney on the 27th. 

As for Roxie, she's fine. She needs grooming badly. Her fur grows so fast. She's doing ok though. Happy little nugget.

As for Sims, I'm finding my interest going to other games and I feel bad about it. Plan on finishing my story. Maybe I'll play more now that I'm not sleeping half the day away.

But meh didn't want to make a big deal about my birthday this year. Maybe next year.